A personal challenge, my private hell. Even before I got close enough to appreciate its size and height, I knew I would have some panic attack while biking across this bridge to the Black Isle. Indeed I did. I put on a stoic-Buddhist cap twice. Although this is my primary stance in life, in cases of anxiety or panic, stressful situations, or unexpected turn of events, we all tend to get a bit overwhelmed by these intense states and stumble, lose our balance or (humanely) fall to the ground (or of a cliff…).
The first crossing found me dismounting the bike not even halfway (the bridge length is just above 1km). I was alone, with no other passer-by or biker to reassure me that it was ok, that I would not be blown away by the strong winds or trip over my foot and fall down in the Moray Firth, some 30m below. I wasn’t as proud of myself as I set out to be. I realised I was a lot more uncomfortable with the self-challenge. And although walking seemed like I chickened out, I did not give up. Humbled by the experience of feeling small in the vastness of the landscape and vulnerable to the elements and the man-made structure, I was alone in this challenge since it was all in my being, and I knew the irrationality of the state I was in. Therefore, I continued in the simplest way I could: I walked.
After 3 hours of cycling around the Isle, I cleared my senses open. The smell of the forest on Ord Hill, the steep climb I took, the bike on my shoulders, the rolling hills and fast cycling down to North Kessock rearranged my mind. On the second crossing, I cycled through the bridge back to Inverness in one go, and honestly, I could not lift my eyes from the ground in front. My will to overcome the fear provided the strength to maintain a single-focused mind. And I was aware of my surroundings (and profusely sweating) but kept it going despite the raging adrenaline rush provided by the fear. However, I could not deny its reality. Emotions and feelings precede rationality. I have recently heard so much talk on rationalising emotions, yet I am not convinced we can do such a thing or should. We meet the world in emotional states as we discover ourselves and the things around us. We are born emotive, feeling, sensing, and perceiving. The sense we make of the world is based on our use of language, a tool we have to convey those feelings, sensations and perceptions to others. Emotions are the roots of our “thinking”; they are like tree roots. The depth of our connection to everything else nurtures them. Denied them, and you’ll deny your primal nature, the source. And your thoughts, like cut leaves and flowers, will wither.