You find yourself walking through a dense forest, branches and bushes scratching your surfaces, entangling and pulling your movements, holding you back. The frustration of feeling deterred by nature, who you know and admire, yet the task of biting through the lush growth overwhelms you. Each miss-step feels like a disaster stroke that you wasted precious energy and ended up literally bogged down. In an act of defiance, in the act of (false) sublimity, you believe that to take charge of destiny is your call and tell yourself you are better, you are stronger, and you will survive… Right? It sounds lovely in an inspirational video. But what happens if this is real?
I felt smaller and smaller, lonelier and lonelier, every step more tired, more willing to give up, to crawl into a hole under the tree’s roots and sleep forever. I remember thinking about how many people would find this hilarious, and I laughed with them. I thought about those that would say I deserve it, inspired by the uneasiness that self-confidence and independence evoke in their judgements. I remember feeling stupid, mentally retracing all the wrong decisions that lead to that moment. It didn’t help. It only made me despair about my mind’s state and questioned my worth.
I knew the way. I was not lost. I knew where I was and where I should be going. I couldn’t see a decent path… it was either crawling through the bogged pine forest or wading through an open bog, knee-high in water and mud or worse.
The lesson was simple, and the experience made it an effective practice. Stop. Breath. Release.
Stop, physically. Stop moving, walking, and crawling. On your tracks. Stop. Sit down where you can. If not, squat down. Breath counting your breath in 1, 2, 3,4. Hold for a second. Release 1,2,3,4,5,6. Repeat the breathing three times.
I did, but before I got to the point of breathing, I screamed in anger; I cried in frustration. Then I did breathe. And I felt better. As my mind stopped rushing around between past, present and future (why did I get myself into this? how do I get out? what will be if not, if yes?). I gave myself the space to be in this moment, knowing I had no control over time. Sitting on top of my backpack, I managed to smoke, and as I cleaned the tears in my eyes, I saw a clear opening, not a path, just an opening through the dense bog and bushes. As the Mad Queen, I laugh hard at my human idiocy. It was still another 3 hours until I could set camp. At least 90 minutes of knee-high water and bush. But I was humbled, broken down, and rebuilt with a new sense of being here. To know that this is my place in this world. A tiny dot in the wild. In charge of breathing through. That’s all you need to be in control of. Breathing.
